Sorry, Not Sorry-You Hurt My Heart

When my son was three years old, I had reprimanded him for some little something he had done. As he walked away, big tears began rolling down his cheek.

I stopped him and asked him what was wrong. I hadn’t punished him or used harsh words. He looked at me with his sad little eyes, and in the cute little voice of a 3-year-old, proclaimed, “You hurt my heart.”

Whether you are 3 or 103, someone will eventually hurt your heart. It may be a frontal attack meant to crush you, but sometimes it’s a small action or word that unintentionally pierces the heart.

But whichever case, the hurt is real and hard to overcome.

Forgiving someone who has hurt you emotionally or physically is not a small matter. Emotional and physical abuse leave deep scars that may take years to heal. Healing can happen, but it starts with forgiveness.

Sorry, Not Sorry—You Hurt My Heart

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Whether the person apologizes or not, we can—and for our sake—should grant forgiveness.

Unforgiveness has adverse effects on our bodies—emotionally and physically.

According to an article on mayoclinic.org, if you’re unforgiving, you might:

• Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present
• Become depressed or anxious
• Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs
• Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others

Forgiving Others Because We Should

As Christians, we know that we should not hold unforgiveness against someone. Jesus, who was offended, abandoned, tortured, and sacrificed, forgave the very people who committed these crimes against him.

We were even involved. As Jesus hung on the cross, our sins-past, present, and future were laid upon Him.

But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

Our offense towards a Holy Creator is much greater than the offenses we cause each other. So, how can we who have been forgiven for so much withhold forgiveness from each other?

Related: The Sin of Unforgiveness

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is not having resentment towards someone who has offended or hurt you somehow. It’s a decision to let go, a process to embrace, and a journey to endure.

Forgiveness is a decision. 

It’s completely up to you. You get to decide to hang onto the emotions of anger, bitterness, resentment, and thoughts of revenge—or to let them go.

Forgiveness is a process. 

Letting these feelings go may not be a one-and-done. You may have to implement some coping skills to remind yourself to let things go, especially for relationships you would like to hold on to—a spouse, family member, close friend, or co-worker.

• Don’t focus on things that you cannot change
• Don’t expect perfection—from you or them
• Don’t be too sensitive to what others say or do
• Realize that your actions or reactions may be part of the problem
• It’s better to be kind than right

Forgiveness is a journey. 

Can you still be hurt or be angry with someone after you have forgiven them? 

If you have truly forgiven someone, feelings of anger and bitterness should all be washed away.

But that’s not always the case. We are very good at holding onto and remembering, and exaggerating the circumstances when we’ve been offended.

However, the more times we let go of those feelings, the easier it will be to let go the next time. Remember, it’s your choice.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21-22

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not a “forgive and forget” or “fake it ’til you make it” attitude towards others who have caused you injury. It is not amnesia, pretentiousness, or being open to continual abuse.

Forgiveness is not amnesia. 

We don’t always forget what someone has done to us. I mean, if two friends went to the mall and didn’t invite you and you were offended—this may be something you can eventually forgive and forget.

But for someone who has experienced emotional or physical abuse at someone else’s hand, this most likely will never be forgotten. However, the pain will lessen, and healing can happen when we learn to forgive.

Reach out to a counselor if you need help.

God has promised us that when we are forgiven, He will take our sins—past, present, and future—and cast them away as far as the east is from the west, remembering them no more.

He does not deal with us according to our sins nor repay us according to our iniquities. 

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12

Yet, this doesn’t mean that God has amnesia. He doesn’t forget because He can’t remember. God chooses to forget our sins and not bring them up against us ever again. He chooses to forgive us.

Dr. John MacArthur has said, “Never are we more like God, whom we proclaim, than when we forgive.”

What a great statement!

Forgiveness is not pretending. 

“Fake it ’til you make it” is a familiar saying, but that’s not true forgiveness. Faking kindness towards someone who has offended you, betrayed you, or hurt you is a sin. It’s deception. It’s lying and only leads to more internal turmoil for you.

It’s a work in progress.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. 

Your situation may be able to be restored, but there are a lot of problems that cannot be. For example, in abusive or unhealthy relationships, the words “I forgive you” don’t change the circumstances.

Most people don’t change overnight, so the offense could happen again unless a change there is a noticeable change. Forgiveness is still offered, but distance may be necessary if you want the person to remain in your life.

Set healthy boundaries and take care of yourself as you work on the process of forgiving.

3 Benefits of Forgiveness

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:12-13

God Sees Our Pain

God can use everything that happens to us for our good and His glory. He desires to use our pain to grow us to be more like His Son.

If you are struggling with unforgiveness, remember, the one who hurt you has also offended your Father. It may seem that the offender is getting away with what they did, but God knows all and judges all.

When you are hurting, He is near.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

God Comforts Us

God takes our hurt and gives us comfort so that when others experience similar situations, we will be able to help them.

We can rely on His kindness towards us and His love to surround us.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

God Takes Our Side

Sometimes an offense is caused by a misspoken word, an unkind deed, or an unpleasant experience. However, God takes our side when we are mistreated, deceived, betrayed, abused, or hated.

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

5 Steps to Begin the Forgiving Process

1. Confess your sin of unforgiveness
2. Pray for the person that has offended you
3. Empathize with the person on some level (everyone who hurts has been hurt)
4. Forgive even if an apology isn’t offered
5. Study God’s Word for encouragement on loving others

10 Encouraging Bible Verses on Love and Forgiveness

Colossians 3:12-14—Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 

1 John 4:7—Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.

1 Corinthians 13:13—So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 

Matthew 5:44—But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Luke 6:35—But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.

1 Peter 4:8—Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Mark 11:25—And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

Matthew 18:21-22—Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

Luke 17:3-4—Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7—Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.